I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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