he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
