Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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