I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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