it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Randomize
