Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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