highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
