I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
