just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
