Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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