I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
My boob is missing a layer of skin
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
