Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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