i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
not ubering you a puppy
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
