If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
