I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Farmville is her only friend.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
