Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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