two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize