forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
