I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Girls should come with a carfax report
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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