cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
