She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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