grandma shit on top of the toilet
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
