who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
