shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
