Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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