Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
