Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
