areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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