living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
