One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
