I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
