his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
