My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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