She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
