So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
