just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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