i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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