i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
