I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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