those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
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