this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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