Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
