the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
