Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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