there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
