She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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