1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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