"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
