I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
