Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
