How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
